You're feeling great. The summer is nearly over and has been, in your opinion, a resounding success. You planted your garden and filled your cupboards with preserved produce. A family vacation to a nearby lake ended with happy memories and no major mess-ups. Your sister had a beautiful baby boy and are already making plans to teach him how to get into mischief.
Life is good, right? So, why is your spouse so depressed?
Many of us have the idea that mental health, in particular depression, is something we can control. We see all the positives in our lives and think - What do they have to be depressed about? Their family is doing well, they are making good money, and life is good.
Depression is not a choice. It's not something that we can just opt out of by listing off all of the positives in our lives. Sometimes, depression is so severe that we can no longer see the positives in our lives.
There are plenty of things not to do when trying to help someone who is depressed.
Don't ask them how they are feeling. Often times, they can't explain it in their head let alone voice it out loud.
Don't tell them to be grateful. Depression can't be fixed by feeling grateful and many times they have trouble recognizing the positives in their lives.
Don't tell them to "man up" or "suck it up". Depression is an illness. It is not something that can be willed away. Saying such things often makes them feel worse because they feel as if they should be able to "suck it up" and move on. When they can't, the depression often worsens.
Instead, we must understand that depression affects people at any time and for any reason. No one is immune. Second, we must be compassionate and realize that depression is an illness. We can't will away a cold and neither can we will away depression. Third, we need to reach out because often times the person suffering from depression is unable to do so themselves.
How do we do these things? Try any or all of these 5 suggestions to help a loved one who is struggling with depression.
1. Take a Walk
Though it may sounds odd, but exercise is a great way to combat depression. As we exercise, our body produces and releases endorphins that can improve our mood. This doesn't mean you have to drag them down to the gym. Instead, focus on small acts - a walk around the block, a stroll down to the river or beach, a bike ride down a trail. Don't tell them to go. Depression can often make it difficult to even get out of bed let alone go for a walk around the neighborhood. Instead, invite them to go with you.
2. Offer to Take Them Places
Depression isolates. It cuts us off from the world around us and makes us feel alone. Don't let that happen. When they can't go someplace on their own, offer to go with them. Take them to doctor's appointments, the grocery store, the library. This doesn't mean you can't allow them to be alone. There is a fine line between helping them reconnect with the world and playing babysitter. Work with them to find out how much alone time vs. social time works for them.
3. Help Them Set Goals
Keep them small and manageable. For some people with depression, getting out of bed for an hour is a big step, so don't pressure them to get up early and go to the gym for an hour. Find little ways for them to succeed - sit outside for 20 minutes, make a small homemade meal (think pb & j not lasagne), write up a grocery list, take a shower. These little goals can make a big difference in their lives.
4. Be There
Sometimes, it's best just to be there. Sit with them. Conversation isn't a must. Just be there, be present, and show that you care. Show them that they aren't alone.
5. Don't Be Afraid to Say - I Don't Know How to Help
Depression is a complex illness. Sometimes, these small steps aren't enough. If you're not seeing any improvement, it is okay and, indeed, necessary to say, "I don't know how to help you, but I will help you find someone who can." They probably won't want to go, usually because they feel as if they should be able to handle this on their own. Reassure them that it is okay to ask for help and that what they are going through isn't "stupid" or "petty". Remind them that you will be there every step of the way, to support and help however you can.
Depression isn't like breaking an arm or getting the flu. There are no set rules for how to help someone who is struggling with depression. If a loved one is depressed, remember to be patient, compassionate, and supportive. Try these steps, see if they help, and if they don't, seek the help of a professional.